I was not one of those girls

I gazed around the room.  At the front of the room stood the Sunday school teacher. In the chairs were the boisterous boys – always noisy, always pushing.
Huddled together like a pack of young hens where the girls, talking and giggling. They were friends, each a piece of a complete little social circle.
I always left with a token of praise from our teacher.
“The best behaved.”
I was proud of it.
But how can you misbehave when there is no one to misbehave with?

I was not one of those girls.

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I was older now, in my young teens where the world is built on what you think of yourself and how you wonder what other others perceive of you.
They would walk around the outside of the church after the service, before the meal.
Arms linked. Heads together. Like a trio of Shirley-Cuthbert’s and Barry’s.
If I walked quickly, and just a pace behind, I could also walk with them.
They never excluded me. They never said I had to leave. They would never.
They were too kind.
But you don’t need to be told somethings to know somethings.

I was not one of those girls.

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Even older, away from those who taught me to find my own company favorable.
Finally finding my own voice.
“They admire you,” my sister says. “They want to be like you.”
I couldn’t believe it.
Yes, I was included. But I never felt as if I belonged.
Did I imagine it? Did I imagine that they had more connection to each other than I?
So much self-doubt.
I’d learned to be alone…but how to be content around others?
We drifted apart. You always do.
We don’t cluster like a flock of blooms on the same bush now, but rather like distant moons circling the same planet.
What is admiration if I cannot be human in their presence?
Some misshapen part of me does not know how to open it’s locked core and let in something that might hurt – but also might heal.

I am still not one of those girls. 

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1 thought on “I was not one of those girls”

  1. I love you my girl. The Lord created you perfectly. You just have to grow into and learn to unfold what He has created you to be. You will find it in time.

    You know, I am sure you and Aunt Thelma are kindred spirits. You should reach out to her.

    Like

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